When I was single, I averaged a “worse-case-scenario” bad boy decision every ten years. That’s not to say the years in between weren’t filled with horrible decisions when it came to men – they were – jammed packed but it just seemed that every decade, I would find myself in a situation where I went down a rabbit hole that never ended and the only thing that got me out was complete and utter humiliation.
So in the mid-winter, just after the year 2000 hit and just after my mom passed away (and going about my life like it didn’t affect me at all), I found myself involved with a married guy taking his vows very loosely. Luckily, before we consummated the relationship, I gave him up because deep down I knew all I really wanted was a boyfriend – a real life one who admitted to people he was with me – not a guy bored, trolling for loose hook-ups at work (on a hit comedy show with children, none the less). Of course saying and doing are two different things and because I was empty (though not realizing it) from mom dying and not feeling like anyone would ever love a woman with a big butt, I continued to feed off the emotions the guy at work had stirred inside of me. And I made all my life decisions based on those emotions. Pretending to be unfazed is way more dangerous than being fazed. Adding gas to the fire, he immediately took up with another woman on the crew from a “creative” department. I’m pretty sure he thought he wasn’t flashing it around but honestly; my super sensitive senses and instincts caught everything. Needless to say, I made some awful – could’ve gotten me arrested – kind of decisions which ended with him catching me doing something very innocent (checking out his parked car for “clues” – don’t ask). Sadly, this incident came after thirty other suspicious activity incidences that I’m sure he deduced was me. Word got around on set, which I suspected would and prepped for. What I didn’t expect was how that simple act of “getting caught” turned the switch off in me for wanting him or wanting him to acknowledge what he did to me. I stop doing my illegal acts, I stopped wanting retribution, I stopped thinking about him 24/7 the moment I walked away that night. The feeling of letting go is amazing. I highly recommend it.
Unfortunately, I still needed to grieve for my mom as well as get rid of the idea of him I had constructed in my mind. How did I do it? By everyday after work, walking the circumference of the CBS Radford lot and listening to this mixed tape. Each song was specifically chosen because either the words or the instrumentation evoke feelings of pain, frustration, sorrow, regret or resignation to my fate. Some laps I cried, some laps I cursed, some laps I laughed and some laps I just listened. It took six months, but eventually I walked that man out of me. Not so easy with the Mom factor. That sorrow still rages today but in comes in waves. Sometimes they take a break for years, only to sneak in and kick my ass for a day, month, or six months. When they arrive, I listen to the tape and feel better, normal. All in all, I prefer the mom waves.
And my husband does too.
Side A: NORTH LOT
Make Sure You’re Sure – Steve Wonder “Jungle Fever” ST
Wise Up – Aimee Mann “Magnolia” ST
It’s All Right This Time – Toad the Wet Sprocket
Crash Into Me – Dave Matthews Band
Wonderwall – Oasis I Want You Now – Depeche Mode
Somebody – Depeche Mode
Wino – Tears For Fears
In Love With a Blind Man – Tears For Fears
The Sea Song – Tears For Fears
Flaming Bed – Blue Rodeo
Bad Influence ST – instrumentals (this is the song at all but I couldn’t find Trevor Jones’ score anywhere so here are scenes from the movie)
Love Song – Burt Bacharack “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” ST
A Different Corner – George Michael
Kissing a Fool – George Michael
Side B: STAGE 20
Far Behind – Candlebox
Miles Away – Tonto Tonto
Can’t Change Me – Chris Cornell
Girlfriend – Matthew Sweet
Jill Sobule – One of These Days
Jane Says – Jane’s Addiction
Tomorrow Wendy – Concrete Blonde
A Common Disaster – Cowboy Junkies
Good Life – Inner City
Crucified – Army of Lovers
A Casual Affair – Tonic
Down – Stone Temple Pilots
So What Cha Want – Beastie Boys
Sabotage – Beastie Boys
Sambrosa – Beastie Boys
Eugene’s Lament – Beastie Boys
Ricky’s Theme – Beastie Boys
Transitions – Beastie Boys
Well, this is not going to be a happy story. My own personal mixed tape, actually a CD, was made in the early part of this century. My life had taken a turn for the worse. Had to go through a bad bankruptcy because I couldn’t sell my film. Had to hear about another film called SAW that apparently stole the idea from me, yet they went on to make a billion. And, most of all, dealing with the heartache of the past twelve years when my ex left me… after cheating with the new guy.
I kept putting off the depression and the sorrow. Thought I could outlast both. But my own personal Mayan calendar was approaching. It was going to be a significant anniversary. No, not the anniversary of my meeting my ex, but of the break up.
The 12-year anniversary of our break up was upon me. It was 12 years that we were together and soon it would be 12 years that we were apart. My mind could not take it. I finally made the LAST plans. I was going out of life. Exit, stage left.
It was going to happen in Vegas. I had it all planned out. Made kits to various friends that included pieces of my bank account, some minor souvenirs, and letters that stated what they were to do with my stuff and who was in charge of what. It was very official.
So I was off to Vegas…. after dropping off all the packages to be FedExed by the next day.
I got to Vegas with my plan. Things didn’t work the way I had planned. I did some final gambling hoping that I would suddenly win a pile of cash and decide to continue with life. That didn’t happen.
The main plan was to do the old gas pipe thing and sleep in the car as the gentle noxious fumes carried me into a very long nap time. This was harder than I imagined. I thought that in the early morning hours, in Vegas, I could find some lonely alley and do the thing right. Wrong! Everywhere I parked someone walked by or stopped by the car. I kept driving further from the strip, but always encountered people walking around.
I finally found a desolate alley behind a small building. I set up the Dryer Vent Hose I specifically bought on sale at the Home Depot. No use in spending too much when you’re going out. Had everything ready to go when a car turns the corner and parks directly across the street. The guy sat in his car with his headlights on and pointed right at me. For all I know he was just sitting there ready or drinking… or, on a funny note, he might be preparing to set up his own Dryer Vent Hose.
I thought, “Fuck me!!!” I decide it’s time for a new plan. I go to an all night Walgreen’s and buy a shitload of Tylenol, sleeping pills, Vodka, and several mixed drinks. I search the strip for the proper hotel. Bingo!! Circus Circus!!!
My film company is called Clown Tears. How perfect. I’m going to rent a room, fill the tub, swallow all this shit, and hold my breath forever. First problem — I go to my room and it turns out to be the only room that doesn’t have a bathtub. SHIT!!!!
I call downstairs and have them change my room. The new one has a bathtub. Perfect!!! I started drinking and downing pills. But I also have another objective: I’m hoping my little stunt might get some publicity so my film gets attention. I leave notes as to who should benefit if my film suddenly sells. I also glue stick various posters from my film around the walls.
Oh, at the moment, on the TV, I see a weird commercial. It was the first time I saw this strange Quizno’s commercial that featured large teethed rodents singing. It is so weird that I already thought I was hallucinating. Anyway, I make a final note for the maids saying that I’m in the tub and just call the police. Also, I left them some cash in an envelope and thanked them for their help and apologized for the mess I had made.
I finish downing a large bottle of Vodka, another bottle of some mixed drink, handfuls of sleeping pills and Tylenol. I fill the tub to the top. Sit inside and nestle my head at the edge.
My thoughts at the time… other than, “What the hell was that Quizno’s thing!?”… “I guess I’ll go to sleep and slowly drift under water then just run out of oxygen and start breathing in that fluoridated water… just like the womb.”
I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone… Nah, we’re not in Kansas anymore. I close my eyes and fall asleep. I wake up a couple of hours later and I’m fine. Fit as a fucking fiddle! All I have is a bad stiff neck. Don’t even have a hangover.
SHIT!!! What do I do now!!? I’m up!!! FUCK!!!
New plan: Leave the hotel, drive out to the desert and go back to plan one. First problem: I now have posters stuck to all parts of the walls. FUCK!!! So I find myself getting warm towels and scrubbing the walls. The posters need to be soaked in water then slowly scrubbed away. I’m actually cleaning the hotel. For the first time in history someone leaves a hotel cleaner than they got it.
I rush downstairs and try to find a deserted spot in the desert. It’s almost impossible to find. FUCK!!!
I’ll make this story short. I fuck up three times at offing myself and end up having my friends come to my rescue. Wendy, being the head big sister at the time, was the person that got me into some psych treatments.
So here I am. Believe me, there’s more to the story, but I only got a short count on words to tell it.
Here’s the LAST SONGS CD list… I’ll try to give brief explanations as to why I listened to them throughout this suicide quest.
My Best Friend’s Girl –The Cars… **Well, my ex was extremely beautiful and I knew lots of guys around me wanted to hit that.
Say Goodbye to Hollywood – Billy Joel… **Do I really need to explain this? I’m an old New York. Perfect song.
The Stranger – Billy Joel… **Kind of covers the idea of lovers having secrets from each other. She had one big secret I didn’t know… until the end.
All You Need Is Love – The Beatles… **The title itself kept me in tears throught out the event
I’ll Do Anything For Love – Meat Loaf… **A song about not cheating. Hmm? Seems right.
Only The Good Die Young – Billy Joel… **I was my ex’s first. She was Catholic. Could it be any better?
Just My Imagination – The Temptations… **It was something I was hoping for: All of the events of the past never really happened… just my imagination.
An Innocent Man – Billy Joel… **At times I felt like I was being blamed for things I had no control of.
Life Is a Lemon And I want My Money Back – Meat Loaf… **C’mon! Perfect!
Thorn In My Side – Eurythmics… **What I felt about this long term passion for my ex
White Wedding – Billy Idol… **Just a kick ass song that made me dance.
You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth – Meat loaf… **It kind of felt like my ex was telling this to me.
My Life – Billy Joel… **One of many Joel songs that felt like he had tapped into my life.
You May Be Right – Billy Joel… **THE Joel song I felt was written about me. It was right on the money on how I met my ex and what was going on at the time.
Call Me – Blondie… **This song brought back memories of what was going on in my life about a year before I met my ex.
(I Got Every Thing I Need) Almost – The Blues Brothers… **Also touched a nerve on the many years I spent away from my ex.
Harden My Heart – Quarterflash… **A desperate plea I made to myself over the years. “Please forget her!!”
Something About You – Boston… **A connection to my ex
Heartbeat – The Knack… **If you know the song, you’ll see how it connects with loving someone… too much
Addicted To Love – Palmer… **Ditto.
Excitable Boy – Warren Zevon… **This is a weird one. It has nothing to do with my ex. One friend said he felt it was about me because I used to do a serial killer comic persona when he knew me. If you know the song, you’ll see the connection.
Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting – Elton John… A **Song from my high school days that brought back memories of simpler times.
Objects In the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are – Meat Loaf… **Another one of those sappy songs that makes me cry because it brings back memories of life.
Out of the Frying Pan – Meat Loaf… **I just like the intensity of this song
You Oughta Know – Alanis Morrisette… **Yes, it’s a chick song, but it seems so true to what happened in my life.
I Drove All Night – Cyndi Lauper… **Holy Shit, is this perfect! My ex looks and sounds a lot like Cyndi. And I always remember two times where I drove all night just to hang out with my ex. I still put this on in the car and cry a lot. I’m such a wuss!
As for a bio for me, Greg Arce: I have dabbled in all forms of entertainment: magic, mentalism, stand up, acting, writing, directing, etc. Mostly etc. I tend to get bored doing just one thing for a long time… maybe that’s why I change hands during masturbation. Still trying to figure out my life’s path. Keep stubbing my toe on the rocks there, and no one seems to pick up after the dog’s poop on my path. All and all, it’s still a fun ride and I wouldn’t change it for the world… well, maybe if they throw in some cheese fries. I guess I’ll continue this path, but maybe I’ll get my own personal transport to speed things up. How’s that for a seque (Segway)?
Welcome to Town:
This Town – The Go Go’s
Sex & Dying in High Society – X
Dream Lover – The Plasmatics
Love My Way – The Psychedelic Furs
Wasted – The Vapors
I Want You Around – The Ramones
Bodies – The Sex Pistols
Rise – Public Image, Ltd.
This is Radio Clash – The Clash
Into You Like a Train – The Cure
It’s via the Psychedelic Furs because there was no Cure version on youtube!
When the New Guy breezed into freshman English at Richland High like he owned the place, Lisa knew her life would never be the same. He was taller than the other boys in her class. He wore faded, fraying jeans and a long-sleeve flannel over his Kinks concert shirt. As he slipped into the desk next to her, she watched him casually kick off his checkered Vans and unfold his legs into the aisle between them. What a stone fox, she thought.
To keep from staring, Lisa focused hard on the doodle on the cover of her binder, but he was a magnet for her attention and when she chose a moment not too carefully, she found him staring at her. Remaining cool, she ran her fingers through her hair like yeah dudes are always checking me out when I doodle. I’m only like the next Warhol, you know. Her finger got stuck in her red locks. As she untwisted it, New Guy asked, “You like the Psychedelic Furs?”
“Huh? What?” Lisa blurted too loudly causing Mrs. Fletcher to look over.
New Guy pointed at the band’s logo on her folder and then at his own. She nodded and whispered, “Oh yeah. Totally.” Lisa watched as his shoulder-length blond hair moved in a mysteriously nonexistent breeze. She pictured the two of them, side by side in some kind of Italian sports car cruising across the European landscape, his hair blowing wildly in the wind, hers wrapped tightly in a scarf preferably something colorful and designed by Hermes.
“Fuckin’ A. Maybe this school won’t be a total waste after all” he said with a faint smile; a smile that said to Lisa, “You and me, babe. We can take this world by storm with our love.”
The blood crept up her neck like the ivy over a wall. If her mother ever saw him, she’d surely tell her, “He’s looks like a waste of time,” which sounded perfect to Lisa. She wanted nothing more than to waste all of her time gazing into the navy blue eyes he used to read the warning labels on Marlboro packages, to kiss the soft lips that were made sweet and moist from Crown and Cokes, and to hold the same hands that rolled perfect joints and twanged a whole two chords on a used electric guitar.
Her daydream was interrupted when an intricately folded piece of paper landed on his desk. Lisa’s best friend, Karla, a girl prone to wearing pastel ski sweaters and twister beads, gave her a thumbs up from the opposite side of the room. They both watched surreptitiously as New Guy unfolded the paper.
As he searched for a pen, Lisa pulled one from a brand new pack she just purchased at the drug store and handed it to him. “Thanks,” he said. Lisa promised herself that if he gave the pen back, she would have it bronzed and possibly framed… if you can frame bronzed items.
Folding the note, he passed it back in the direction it came, rested his head on his desk and fell asleep.
After class, Karla and Lisa met at their lockers. “Ohmigod, you totally have to read this,” Karla said pulling the note from her pocket. Grabbing it, Lisa gingerly began unfolding it. Karla anxiously hopped up and down, “Hurry! Open it!”
Pulling apart the crumpled note revealed fat, bubble-like cursive handwriting in blue ink asking several questions and black-inked chicken-scratch answering them saying that New Guy’s name was Gary, he just moved here from Chicago, and yes, he would come to Karla’s party Saturday night.
This was all exciting, but it was the last question that had Lisa in a stranglehold. “Do you want to date/hold hands/make-out with the red-haired girl, Lisa, to your left? Please circle all that apply.”
Gary had circled all three.
“Oh. My. God.”
“Is that just so bitchin?” Karla practically screamed. The girls hugged out their madness and then quieted as though everyone around them cared about their latest discovery.
“Why did you ask him about me?” Lisa asked as she grabbed the wrong books for her next class.
“I’m so sure. You should have seen your face when he walked to his desk,” Karla responded. “Kinda like way obvious so I had to get the deets.”
“Oh shit. I’m so embarrassed, they can see me blushing from space,” Lisa giggled.
“Like whatever,” Karla said. “I’m coming over and we’re picking the right outfit.”
“What if I make him a mix tape? Is that too forward?” Lisa inquired.
“It’s like totally clear he’s into you, you know?” Karla said excitedly as she raced off to class.
The next night, in Karla’s suburban garage, several nerdish students gathered around a punchbowl with their braces and acne and clean Izod shirts. “I’m so sure Gary’s going to show up and then totally book out with this on display,” Lisa said fanning her arm to the dork cluster. “My mom made me invite them. Grab some punch and we’ll stand out by the doorway,” Karla said.
Just as the girls made it to the garage door, an early model light blue Mustang in mint condition pulled into the drive, engine glugging. Gary sat behind the wheel, a cigarette dangling from his lips. “See? He’s totally calculating the nerd to cool ratio,” Lisa whispered. Karla bounded over to the car. “This car is so boss.”
Gary nodded thanks but his eyes stayed fixed on Lisa. He motioned out the window for her to come over. “Hey… you wanna go for a drive?”
“Sure,” she shrugged, “Why not.”
Karla jogged back over to Lisa taking her punch from her. “Total jackpot. He’s fine and he has a car! I want every single living color detail when you get back.”
Lisa smiled, “For sure, but whatever. We’ll probably just ride around and talk.” The girls shared a quick hug, and then Lisa dashed into the car.
Approximately two minutes and three seconds of awkward silence later, Gary pulled the car into a large clearing that separated Karla’s neighborhood from the woods and cut the engine. Gary leaned back and lit a cigarette. “You want one?” he asked. Lisa shook her head no and wondered if he was going to kiss her and if so, what should she do. Contemplating the conundrum kept her staring straight ahead like a stuffed animal when she suddenly remembered the mix tape.
Removing it from her pocket, she said casually, “Oh hey… I made you this tape just as… you know… a welcome…” A welcome what you total dweeb, sounded the voice in her head.
“Yeah? Cool.” He turned the tape over in his hands reading the label. “These bands are killer.”
Popping it into the deck, Gary pushed play. I Want You Around by The Ramones started up. “Why such a slow Ramones tune?”
Lisa’s face grew warm. Clearly, Gary wasn’t one for listening to the words of songs or reading titles for that matter. “I don’t know… most people only know their faster songs, but ….” Her voice drifted off.
Gary chuckled a little. “You’re kinda weird, you know? But then you’re kinda young, too.”
“Why? How old are you?”
Gary replied, “Seventeen.”
“Oh wow… I thought you were a freshman,” said Lisa.
“I am,” he said.
Gary exhaled long, crushed out the remaining ember and asked, “So what do you like to do?” He leaned toward her. The vinyl seat squeaked with his movement. She could feel his breath near her.
Thinking about the question and trying desperately to ignore how the air around them suddenly changed, she began rambling. “Um, well… I like to read and draw. I used to have a horse but it scared me… I also play tennis at the country club…” She stopped short when she felt his hand gently caress the back of her head.
Instinctively, Lisa turned toward him surprised at how easily she fell into the big moment, the big kiss. But what came next was the true surprise. Instead of locking lips, he directed her with an air of pride, “Look,” and then motioned her head toward his crotch.
In the two seconds that felt like 30 years, Lisa pulled back and looked out into the dark field only to see her frightened reflection staring back at her in the window. I could run into that field, she thought, like the women on the covers of those romance novels mom hides next to her bed. That’s what those women are doing. They’re running from the penis. No wonder mom won’t let me read them, but if she had, I’d know what to do right now.
Lisa knew in her heart that running away never solved a problem and that she was never one to turn away from a challenge. So, like a diver preparing for her nationally-televised Olympic leap, she expelled all the air from her lungs, took a deep breath and brought her face within one of inch of the… thing. Then, after a concentrated second, she gently and delicately began to blow upon it.
“What are you doing?” Gary blurted dumbfounded. Lisa sat up and replied so timidly as to be nearly inaudible, “Um… I’m giving you a blow job… I think.” But before Lisa could be sure, the bright headlights of a semi-truck parked across the field flashed on illuminating the confusion in Gary’s car. Lisa heard herself inhale sharply at the sight of the imposter protruding from his pants. Gary crammed his only friend back inside and in one movement, zipped up, shifted into first and turned left. “Are we going to your house?” Lisa questioned. “I’m taking you back to the party… freshman,” Gary scorned.
They pulled into Karla’s driveway which also meant in front of everyone. Gary left the motor running. “Aren’t you coming back inside?” she asked. “Just get out,” he scoffed, “Jesus.”
At that moment, the tape started over and Love My Way began. In a sudden rash of fury fueled by disappointment, disgust and shame, Lisa popped the eject button on the deck pushing the tape out only halfway. She pulled hard to free it. “Careful!” Gary insisted.
She shoved his hand away and continued to yank on the hopeless tape; a tape pieced together with her heart, some secrets and the silly dreams of a 14-year-old girl. “You’re breaking it!” he shouted.
“No, you’re breaking it!” One last pull brought the cassette out with a long ribbon of chewed and marred tape. Tears poured down her face as she pushed the heavy door open. Karla ran towards the car screaming, “What did you do to her?”
Lisa slammed the door shut, the shiny, brown tape spooling madly from the deck and out the window. Gary screeched out of the driveway snapping the last bit of tape from the cassette that Lisa held in her hand. As he sped away, she ran into the alley and shouted, “You’re nothing but a waste of time!”
Karla put her arm around her. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“He’s only like the oldest ninth-grader in the world,” Lisa answered.
“Gross me out,” Karla said.
“I know. Like gag me with an entire set of dinnerware.”
As they walked up the driveway, a nerd handed Lisa a cup of punch. “You know the metal tapes are like so much better,” he said pushing his glasses up his nose. “I can give you some to try out if you want. I have a whole bunch.”
Lisa took one last look at the black plastic cassette with its missing guts before tossing it into the garbage can.
“That would be great,” Lisa said as Karla picked up tape remnants from the driveway and they walked back inside to the party.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Lisa is an optimistic pessimist in that she will happily tell you that things are only going to get worse. She enjoys sleeping, driving, poking fun at hippies and eating popcorn. All at the same time.
Now the little bio behind it is I made this cd to send to my ex boyfriend while I was with another guy( classy I know). I never stopped loving him even through the bad times and everything we’d been through. And even though I was with somebody else( living with them) I couldn’t stop thinking about him and realized I truly loved him and wanted to be with him. I made the cd to sum up my feelings about him and mail to him included with a letter of how I felt but also wanting to say I needed to move on and do the right thing by this man I was with and try. I never got to send it. I broke up with the other guy soon after that and a month after that me and “my love” reunited and we have been together ever since. More in love than before 
the end.