When I was single, I averaged a “worse-case-scenario” bad boy decision every ten years. That’s not to say the years in between weren’t filled with horrible decisions when it came to men – they were – jammed packed but it just seemed that every decade, I would find myself in a situation where I went down a rabbit hole that never ended and the only thing that got me out was complete and utter humiliation.
So in the mid-winter, just after the year 2000 hit and just after my mom passed away (and going about my life like it didn’t affect me at all), I found myself involved with a married guy taking his vows very loosely. Luckily, before we consummated the relationship, I gave him up because deep down I knew all I really wanted was a boyfriend – a real life one who admitted to people he was with me – not a guy bored, trolling for loose hook-ups at work (on a hit comedy show with children, none the less). Of course saying and doing are two different things and because I was empty (though not realizing it) from mom dying and not feeling like anyone would ever love a woman with a big butt, I continued to feed off the emotions the guy at work had stirred inside of me. And I made all my life decisions based on those emotions. Pretending to be unfazed is way more dangerous than being fazed. Adding gas to the fire, he immediately took up with another woman on the crew from a “creative” department. I’m pretty sure he thought he wasn’t flashing it around but honestly; my super sensitive senses and instincts caught everything. Needless to say, I made some awful – could’ve gotten me arrested – kind of decisions which ended with him catching me doing something very innocent (checking out his parked car for “clues” – don’t ask). Sadly, this incident came after thirty other suspicious activity incidences that I’m sure he deduced was me. Word got around on set, which I suspected would and prepped for. What I didn’t expect was how that simple act of “getting caught” turned the switch off in me for wanting him or wanting him to acknowledge what he did to me. I stop doing my illegal acts, I stopped wanting retribution, I stopped thinking about him 24/7 the moment I walked away that night. The feeling of letting go is amazing. I highly recommend it.
Unfortunately, I still needed to grieve for my mom as well as get rid of the idea of him I had constructed in my mind. How did I do it? By everyday after work, walking the circumference of the CBS Radford lot and listening to this mixed tape. Each song was specifically chosen because either the words or the instrumentation evoke feelings of pain, frustration, sorrow, regret or resignation to my fate. Some laps I cried, some laps I cursed, some laps I laughed and some laps I just listened. It took six months, but eventually I walked that man out of me. Not so easy with the Mom factor. That sorrow still rages today but in comes in waves. Sometimes they take a break for years, only to sneak in and kick my ass for a day, month, or six months. When they arrive, I listen to the tape and feel better, normal. All in all, I prefer the mom waves.
And my husband does too.
Side A: NORTH LOT
Make Sure You’re Sure – Steve Wonder “Jungle Fever” ST
Wise Up – Aimee Mann “Magnolia” ST
It’s All Right This Time – Toad the Wet Sprocket
Crash Into Me – Dave Matthews Band
Wonderwall – Oasis I Want You Now – Depeche Mode
Somebody – Depeche Mode
Wino – Tears For Fears
In Love With a Blind Man – Tears For Fears
The Sea Song – Tears For Fears
Flaming Bed – Blue Rodeo
Bad Influence ST – instrumentals (this is the song at all but I couldn’t find Trevor Jones’ score anywhere so here are scenes from the movie)
Love Song – Burt Bacharack “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” ST
A Different Corner – George Michael
Kissing a Fool – George Michael
Side B: STAGE 20
Far Behind – Candlebox
Miles Away – Tonto Tonto
Can’t Change Me – Chris Cornell
Girlfriend – Matthew Sweet
Jill Sobule – One of These Days
Jane Says – Jane’s Addiction
Tomorrow Wendy – Concrete Blonde
A Common Disaster – Cowboy Junkies
Good Life – Inner City
Crucified – Army of Lovers
A Casual Affair – Tonic
Down – Stone Temple Pilots
So What Cha Want – Beastie Boys
Sabotage – Beastie Boys
Sambrosa – Beastie Boys
Eugene’s Lament – Beastie Boys
Ricky’s Theme – Beastie Boys
Transitions – Beastie Boys
photo by Sharon Alagna Photography
I’m a size 16. Been this size most of my adult life. In high school I was a size 14 or, if my heart was broken that month, a size 12. I was born in this body, handed down to me by my paternal grandmother. And as I look at old photos of my grandmothers and great-grandmothers and great-great-grandmothers, we all have one thing in common — the same thick, round ass. This is our family’s legacy. It’s not much but I’m sure proud of it.
All my ancestors came from solid stock — farmer’s daughters from Ireland, Scotland, Wales, England via the Netherlands. If you needed a woman to tend to the animals, split firewood, haul stones for a cow pasture fence, birth babies and make sweet love to you in the darkness, that was us. As far as I know, my grandmothers’ ass size never held them back in life or from male attention. But that was back in the day of unflattering dresses and skirts that routinely disguised body parts. It was also a time when women made their own clothes. Deckers, we’re crafty ladies and I’m sure every piece of clothing was custom made custom to fit their ample bottoms. Luckily, I’ve inherited their craftiness but unluckily, not for the sewing arts. So I am forced to buy my clothes in regular department stores, which, as we all know (more…)
A drama series from 1990-1992 from the student run television station of WNPC…
Part 1 of 2
Part 2 of 2
